Day 19 Chemo 1. Mon. 08/07/2017 8:22PM "ballpen’s weight is like a thousand tons"

Day 19  Chemo 1. Mon. 08/07/2017 8:22PM

Kind of tired at this time but I need to do this journal for today.

Upon waking up, the energy was fine. I made my hot lemon juice with honey. Ate bananas. Got ready for work after morning meditation.

When I arrived at the clinic, there was one patient only, so I thought it was not going to be a busy day but patients kept coming pretty much up until noon, so my secretary instructed the new patients to come back at 1:00PM 'coz we would be having our lunch break at 12:00PM.

I thought we were only going to see 3 to 5 patients more after returning from lunch break, but there were influx of patients. I did not even realized that we reached to 27 patients. I didn’t feel tired and I was still ok after clinic so I went to buy my small notebooks for my journal purposes.

Rose Smell Rosary
Petal Rare Carved Beads &
Silver Plated Cross from Holy Land

Still having enough energy I drove and prayed the rosary again, saying thanks for all the patients received. This time my body seemed to be telling me something. I didn't mind the traffic at all, 'since I was concentrating on my rosary, but I felt the urgency already to reach home because I want to lie down and rest.

Just as I got back home I received the call from my Guardian Angel. Feeling now exhausted as I answered his call,  didn't have enough energy to talk. I told him I was tired and hopefully I could get back to him after dinner, with the energy back. The drain in energy was much to bear so I told him I would just sleep early, rest and said bye bye.

But then again glancing through my journal, I was forced myself to make use of the little energy left to scribble an entry.  So here it is, but only up to here, 'coz I felt like the ballpen’s weight is like a thousand tons already. Ha...ha..ha. Good night.

Day 18 Chemo 1. Sun. 08/06/2017 4:10PM "Doki you always have that happy smile"

Day 18 Chemo 1. Sun. 08/06/2017 4:10PM

Ahh! What a relaxing Sunday. After the church, I had the luxury of curling back on bed and ended waking up at around 7:30AM enough time to get ready for a date with my 2 staffs in my clinic. I was so animated to be with them since they wanted me to have my cocktail dress done in one of the nice boutique they knew.

While waiting for my other secretary to arrive at the clinic, my other secretary who came early opened up her problem about her husband. Another episode of struggle with the couple which overcame her with perplexity. Knowing that I was separated already from my husband since March 2017, she basically was eager to hear what advice I could give. I of course just mentioned to her that “it would be her last say, up until when she could last on their marriage”.

Around 10:30AM, we proceeded to the Fashion Boutique which I found so pleasant to stay. The attendant was not just accommodating but was so entertaining as well, making all the workflow to go on smoothly, that I almost forgot my stainless water container when we left.

Feeling all the wonderful vibes, I took them for lunch together. We then have selfie pictures which made them so curious with how the way I looked with most of the pictures. They said: "Doki, 'Doctor' you always have that happy smile." Which also made me remember the same comment as the attendant girl from the boutique. Candidly, I told them: "My happiness is when you are happy, and when I am around with my friends who knew me through the years."

Gathering my thoughts on the preparation of that cocktail dress made me reflect my simple philosophy with special occasions. Family gatherings on special occasions are very important to me because I am not really fond of texting or chat messaging or facebook posting. Only Jerome, my Guardian Angel, who had convinced me to communicate through the social media. So attending birthdays, weddings, or funerals are something I am so charmed to be present as much as possible so I could definitely get in touched with my friends and relatives.

I tried to minimize as much as I could accepting friend requests. Communication, though vital, is very personal to me. When I got diagnosed with breast cancer, I did not text or call anyone. But surprise of all surprises, friends you built over the years will always surround you with care. My 2 friends, Dr. Maria Christina Aban and Dr. Cytesse Cambronero, from the previous clinic at PSH (Perpetual Succour Hospital) called me right away in order to meet me and have  our monthly breakfast get together to happen early and assuring me of their presence and full support. It was so sweet to behold that I got teary eyed. Cancer had never "taken me aback" with fear as God had shown me His Divine Presence from the loving and caring support of friends that surrounded me with their instantaneous ubiety.

"Lord you are so amazing!!!"

Day 17 Chemo 1. Sat. 08/05/2017 10:30PM "a mini concert of Vina Morales"

Day 17 Chemo 1. Sat. 08/05/2017 10:30PM

At least this time I woke up with a little voice. Drunk my hot turmeric tea, had bananas for breakfast and prepared another 3 cups of turmeric tea, for me to bring for work.

Today, we only had few patients to cater, so I leisurely ate my lunch. And as always my last patient to see everytime she comes for consultation is Atty. Llewelyn Porta. And this time almost the entire family were with her. She got with her, her newborn baby, her auntie, cousin from the USA, her brother and her eldest daughter. She was all smile telling me the aunt she was with, was the auntie she mentioned to me who could prepare  delicious vegan meals and that I could obtain a few of her aunt's recipes.

After my clinic I went straight back home. Took an hour of rest before heading to Waterfront Hotel at Lahug, Cebu City. It was a date with Dr. Ma. Christina Aban for dinner and for a mini concert of Vina Morales.

Vina was originally from Bogo Cebu, native Bisaya that I could relate well. She got a beautiful face, with dark complexion "Morena" but not as sexy and flawless as Ara Mina, yet she dances very well and speaks fluent vernacular "Bisayan" dialect, my native tongue. In the middle of her performance she asked who could sing with her the song "Pangako sa 'yo" ("My Promise"). I was hankering to do it because I love the song but bugged down with the loss of voice. That was probably the reason I had my attention on her outfit which kind of bothered me. She was singing upbeat songs which consisted 90% of her repertoire but curtailed to move with those quick steps due to the long gown she was wearing. She should have worn those sexy body-hugging, sequined, one piece pant suit like, what Sarah Geronimo used to wear. Being conservative as Sarah of not showing any flesh or thighs, with Sarah like outfit she could have executed her dance moves pretty well, since I knew she could really dance.

Day 16 Chemo 1. Fri. 08/04/2017 10:18PM "mind over matter but matter over mind'

Day 16 Chemo 1. Fri. 08/04/2017 10:18PM

When things get rough you have to stay tough. And indeed things had gotten so rough on me of which I had the hard time to stay tough. I woke up without a voice today recalling how Thursday had gotten my patience reaching its limits.

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day since it was the birthday of my son Zac, it actually ended quite shaky during the evening. I got irritated with my ex-husband's bouts of phlegmatic recurrent vexing on the property he continued to deal of which I had asked him to have myself taken off. The whole thing was a complete annoyance on me when in fact he would have been helping out for my recovery.

When a wick is set on a time bomb, it takes just a spark to have it exploded. So thus what happened with my patience on that Thursday evening. The agitation caused by my husband swelled all the more when my niece Steffi started grumbling about her things that she could not find. I told her in a calm voice to look for it using her eyes and not her mouth. She answered back in total disrespect, while turning her back away, which infuriated me, though I still maintained a soothing voice as I tried convincing her: "If you could not find it in the boxes, maybe in the organizer or paper bag!" She of course retorted with an angry voice uttering in a harsh tone: "I went through them all and could not find a thing!"

Her audacity aggravated the whole mess most especially when I happened to find what she was looking for, from the same pile of boxes she mentioned she had looked for already. It was total blindness for a person who's got pretty good eyesight. Right  then and there, I erupted into madness and told her at the top of my lungs, not to go to sleep until she is done fixing all her mess and putting all her stuffs in a box and labeling all boxes. In utter disbelief I just could not imagine how on earth could she be so irresponsible with her things. Yesterday morning she was also looking for her stuff of which I was the one who was able to find. And again with this episode with her boxes. I just got fed up with all unreasonable grumbling.This time it wasn't "mind over matter but matter over mind'. I think there comes a time wherein you also need to be really human and voice out what's inside. After all I am just human too.

Perturbed as I was due to the upheavals that happened on the birthday of my son, I was still thankful to God that at least I was able to get by with the ruptures and was able to sleep well at night.

In the morning when we got up, Steffi tried to say sorry while I could barely say a thing as my voice was totally depleted. When I saw the boxes all labeled up I was at least appeased. Although it still did not deter my probing eyes to catch minor details of label set with grammatical error. The label on one of the boxes showed: "Tita Things." Thus, with no hesitation I corrected her to have it changed in a possessive form: "Tita's Things." I began to be picky and demanding.

Since I could only barely whisper my niece Sinead offered me ginger to be placed into my mouth to help me soothe my throat. I gladly did so, as well as drink the hot turmeric tea she prepared for me. Acting like lozenges for my harsh larynx and not only as recommended drink in Jane Plant's "The Plant Program" for cancer patients, I brought 3 cups of the turmeric tea in the clinic. I began liking my turmeric tea. Hopefully, all cancer cells are now committing suicide.

It was a long day in the clinic. I got in around 10:30AM and got out at 5:00PM with just around 30 minutes of break time for lunch. God had been so gracious again to usher me with lots of patients, including surprise gifts from among  my patients.

Elisa Quijano, who had always been so kind to me, sought consultation in our clinic. Not only did she seek consultation but actually brought along with her a cool water perfume for women and crispy rice as gifts for me. It was her surprise for me since her husband just arrived from Saudi Arabia.

From my clinic I went straight to Raddison Blue Hotel to meet my friend during our Post-Graduate Internship Med School, Dr. Rowina Diya-Aluk. We had a nice dinner and pleasant conversation which didn't last long since it was 10:00PM already, past my bedtime routine. I told her that: "I've got to go, 'coz I still have to drive while not sleepy. For safety purposes you know?"

Upon arriving home, albeit being sleepy, I compelled myself once more to stay awake for few more minutes. This wasn't for anything else at all, but for this journal. "Mind over Matter"

“Thank you Lord for all the blessings today and for the up-coming ones.”

Day 15 Chemo 1. Thu. 08/03/2017 9:33PM "If you can stay disciplined, stay disciplined"

Day 15 Chemo 1. Thu. 08/03/2017 9:33PM

Birthday of Zac

The day started so well, with me waking up early at 4:30AM. I got dressed then proceeded to wake up my son Zacchaeus. Not the usual time though that he should be waking up, yet I had to let him do it 'coz it is his birthday today.

It was just the two of us that went to church to attend the Holy Mass. Getting along with the early rise and no complain from the little one, we did finish attending the mass. Raising up my head upon the huge image of our Lady of Lourdes in front of the church I then told my son to pray to Mother Mary for his good health and for his mommy to get well and continue to be well. And together we prayed fervently. Just right when we were about to get out from the church we also saw Mama Leticia, Noel Jerome's mom, walking all by herself again. We then approached her and blessed.

While talking to Mama Letty, another lady, probably another frequent mass goers at 5:30AM approached her. Mama Letty asked her name. And the funny thing was that upon answering who she was as Helen dela Cerna she made a comment to Mama Letty saying: "Oh! Your daughter is very beautiful." I was taken aback and corrected: "I'm  Mama's neighbor." She then asked my age of which I responded: "I will be 48 years old this August." "Oh! You look very young.", she retorted. I was mesmerized with what I heard and all I could say: "Thank you God for making me young and beautiful at this age." The lady of course just made my morning beautiful 'coz despite my sickness and the wearing of the bandana and mask all she saw was beauty and timeless age.

After the Holy Mass, I asked Mama Letty if she and her sister  Remy would go back home right away 'coz I could definitely drive them to their places. She responded "No" since they planned to have breakfast somewhere. "Where to?", I asked. And  she said: "Jollibee". The 2 seniors were  heading to Jollibee again ha...ha...ha. Bidding farewell to them I told them: "I will go ahead 'coz I need to get ready dropping my son to school."

This morning was quite a blessing. My brother wasn't drunk anymore so he had the chance to prepare breakfast and lunch for me. A lot of thanks goes to my brother. When he is sober he can really takes care, of all of us.

After the breakfast, we transferred beds from one room to another in preparation for the delivery of the double deck bed for Zac. Just right before I left for work the gift bed arrived. Perfect timing I would say, since I was able to give all my instructions in details for its arrangement.

In the clinic we had a lot of patients too. Things panned out well that we even had a good review in Facebook about our service, with me and my staff.

When I got home, the bed was already properly installed with clean sheets on it. The room was ready for the perfect surprise as well as the other two rooms equipped already with nicer beds. Everybody was so pleased with the improvements.

With rooms ready, the decoration was what everyone tried to get busy with. I had to get everyone's help in putting them up. The grind of the re-arrangement and the labor of putting up the decors took a toll on each one's tummy. Everyone's hungry already. So when the roasted pig "Lechon" arrived it was just up for grab to be devoured ha...ha...ha. With its look being so crispy and tantalizingly delicious I for one could not be persuaded to stop eating the forbidden food. The cancer patient just thought of no cancer at all. It was a “voraciously gratifying temptation, Ha...ha...ha.”

“Sorry Jer, for not behaving tonight. Peace to you my Guardian Angel!!!”

Not a good example of course to my co-cancer patient. “Don't follow my lead on this. If you can stay disciplined, stay disciplined, else just a little taste hi...hi...hi.”

I guess with all the excitements and fun, I may have strained my voice as well to the point of having it too husky to hear. Hopefully, the warm lemon juice I drunk would do the trick of soothing my throat and making my voice okay by tomorrow.

Day 14 Chemo 1. Wed. 08/02/2017 10:55PM "Remembering baby Zacchaeus"

Day 14 Chemo 1. Wed. 08/02/2017 10:55PM

Today is a very relaxing day. I woke up late. Had a few minutes of melancholy when I saw the picture of my son Zacchaeus. This was just triggered by the school assignment required. He was asked to bring pictures of him while he was a baby and picture of him taken recently.

As I gazed upon his pictures as a baby, I got teary eyed remembering and missing those moments when I had to place him on my bosom until he goes to sleep. I missed those big laughs every time we do a pick a boo on him. I missed hugging him in my arms. Being a big baby as he was, I missed those times I had to bath him in a big basin.

So many things to miss for, like changing his diapers when he peed and pooed, and even the smell of his pee which lingered so vivid in my memory being so foul and pungent, since he wasn't a breastfed baby. I really wanted to breastfeed him but there wasn't that much milk coming off from me. Thus, I kind of startled him on his first 3 days of life. After 2 hours of breastfeeding at that time, he would always end up still hungry with my breast coming short of supply forcing me to put him on a milk formula which was really expensive costing P5,000 to P6,000 per month just on milk formula alone. Despite the financial hurdle, we were able to get by. It was God's daily miracle to us.

In the clinic there were not much patients so at exactly 2:00 PM I left, and went home early to prepare the incoming birthday of my son. Upon arriving home I got my hands tied up right away in tidying up our bedroom and bringing some of its clatters in the middle of the house. The move was to create  ample of space in the bedroom since my birthday present for my little one tomorrow would be a double deck bed which is kind of huge. The present is going to be a surprise for him and hopefully, it would be delivered as per my instruction while Zac would still be in school, so that when he comes home the bed would be in the room already. We will see if there will be revision on this.

Things have gone quite so well so far and much more with my daily ritual with juices for my daily healing diet. I found 2 delicious combination that I was able to create for my watermelon juice: (1) watermelon with papaya which I concocted and drank last night and (2) watermelon with mango which I prepared and drank tonight. Superb combination!!!

Have to go to sleep 'coz it's kind of late and I need to get up early to attend the Holy Mass in the morning with my son. Hope he won't give us a hard time in waking him up, hi...hi..hi.

I got to go. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. PEACE, PEACE, PEACE. Good night.

Day 13 Chemo 1. Tue. 08/01/2017 8:45PM "Now hairs are falling off from my scalp. Watermelon Juice did not work on me, but I will continue to drink it for good health."

Day 13 Chemo 1. Tue. 08/01/2017 8:45PM

13th day of Post Chemo. Now hairs are falling off from my scalp. Watermelon Juice did not work on me, but I will continue to drink it for good health.

So after my clinic, my niece Sinead and I went to Bruno's Barber Shop at SM Seaside, Cebu City and let the barber shaved my head to baldness. The process was a torture 'coz I was really ticklish. I had him stop several times as I kept giggling every goosebumps that tingles on me. Thank God there were only 2 other men who had a haircut at that time. Otherwise, all of them would probably be so annoyed with all my noise as I giggled through the entire session.

After the haircut I had muscle cramps all over my back 'coz I was like a worm wiggling and curling left and right. I kept asking if we were done especially at the nape area which was the softest spot of my ticklishness, giving me a torture like feeling. What a relief when it was over. I Survived!!!

Recalling the cafe hopping we did last night with my 2 good friends Dr. Melissa Dublin and Dr. Christina Aban, I would say, we were just so lucky to have our pictures taken together, while I had my complete hair. That was the last day I was able to retain my crowning glory. It was this morning while taking a bath as I washed off the shampoo from my hair that a lot of hair came falling down to the bathroom floor. Thus, I decided to shave them off completely.

When I arrived home, my best friend Roselyn Yu asked through the messenger how am I doing? She must have sensed something today. I told her that: "I'm completely fine, yet I'm bald already." In reply she asked for a picture. So I sent one with my bandana on and another without the bandana. With the bandana, the scene is a little bit subtle, I looked ok. But without it, I looked pretty much like a monk in the shaolin temple or a convict sentenced to a death penalty. Ha ha ha!!!.

Although, Jerome, my Guardian Angel had a different version of course of how my new look fared, ha..ha..ha. He mentioned that I am the older version of Ang, “The Last Air Bender” and the copycat version of Demi Moore of “GI Jane”, ha...ha..ha. Well, he has more sophisticated way of looking at my shaved head which kind of appealing and not so harsh on me.